dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
