Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
