I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Can i not drive my cunt home
Yo dont text me then not text me
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have post one night stand depression
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
