I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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