I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
