He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
