she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
