And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
