soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
