i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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