it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The Olympian is in my bed
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
