If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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