I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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