Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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