It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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