My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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