I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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