Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
whose parrot is this?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
