we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
