He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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