I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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