there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
