i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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