I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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