Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
