You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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