Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
