dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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