my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
