its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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