Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
