I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
