I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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