we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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