Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
