I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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