chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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