Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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