when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
