I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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