He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
