Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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