'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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