if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
