babies were throwing up all over the place
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
