today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
