If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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