im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
