He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
