You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
