Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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